A rarely seen child stayed up in his room
Chatting and gaming all day in the gloom
A wise old mum knocked on the door
Get a life, son - you're 24.
I don't know how, won’t you help me please?
My life is all sloth and all sleaze.
Stop wanking to porn, said the wise old mum
Stop wanking to porn? Can that really be done?
So he put down his phone and put some clothes on
Opened the curtains and went out for a run
It was hard enough cumming after smoking some weed
Running is exhausting indeed.
The youngster cried, “Isn't this doing me harm?
My body feels tired and not just my right arm.
Wise old mum, won’t you help me please?
My life is all sloth and all sleaze.
Get you a job, said the wise old mum
Get me a job? Can that really be done?
So he dressed in his best and walked down into town
And began knocking on doors and asking around
A shopkeeper was eager and taught him a skill
And paid him some wages out the till
He went to the pub, pissed it all up the wall
By the time he got home he had nothing at all
Wise old mum, won’t you help me please?
My life is all sloth and all sleaze.
Start paying some rent, said the wise old mum
Paying some rent? Can that really be done?
So he went back to work to do what he'd learned
And avoided the pub and kept what he'd earned
After the work he felt empowered and able
And asked how his dinner appeared on the table
Could I eat something nice like other people do
And not just reheat another microwave stew
Wise old mum, won’t you help me please?
My life is all sloth and all sleaze.
Cook a meal from scratch, said the wise old mum
Cooking a meal? Can that really be done?
So he googled and youtubed and open a book
And decided that he really might be able to cook
He boiled and he baked and he grated the cheese
And they ate cheesy chips, ham and peas
The youngster cried 'I'm independent, Mum!
But all of this work isn't really much fun.
Wise old mum, can I stay here please?
And return to my sloth and my sleaze.
I'm kicking you out, said the wise old mum.
And then I'll be back where I first started from
Out with the girls and drinking 'til dawn
And texting in bed with all curtains drawn
Eat what I want and fuck when I choose
Snorting a line or ODing on booze
Gaming all night and sleeping all day
And wearing the clothes that I wore yesterday
It was nice to have kids but it's better without
Of that I've not got a doubt
When I'm not a mum, I can do as I please
And return to my sloth and my sleaze.
Yes it was nice to have kids but I rather be free
To do what I want and my boyfriends agree
Now I'm not a mum, I can do as I please
And enjoy my sloth and my sleaze.